Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread