Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.