CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂