Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials