Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated