Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
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Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Best spot.. 😅
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.