She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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How to draw a duck
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”