The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
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music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
This is the one
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.