try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Meth is short for Elizameth.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The struggle is real.