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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Time for evil
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me: