lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag