My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
we all know this pain all too well
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Kermit goes Blue.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
(Gaming support cat.)
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week