I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.