My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
pep talk
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??