Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
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Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!