Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.