I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
secret recipe
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.