I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
You Might Also Like
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible