New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End