[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
You Might Also Like
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.