Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
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[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
bears
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*