big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
You Might Also Like
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.