whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Always a housemaid, never a house.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear