my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Haha! 😂
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.