are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
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ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
every college guy’s fridge
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?