I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.