One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…