ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
this isn’t threatening at all
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now