Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Worst perfume name ever.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.