[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The dark side of Canada
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
good morning