Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
What the hell happened in there??
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
same bro
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?