[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Best table by far
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
? 💀
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes