At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
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Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
then why did i get this email
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara