Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My dad.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Guilty! 🤪