If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun