I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
They grow up so quick
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Britain be like
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
crying
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”