Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
You Might Also Like
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire