At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
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People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’m not alone. I have ants.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Oops
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!