[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.