me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I