Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
necessity is the mother of invention
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
very niche meme I made
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work