It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
How dude HOW?!
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.