I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then