I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
You Might Also Like
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
This is Sparta
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
True statement👍😏😁
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace