cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Dishonest mechanic?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.