A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Lmao
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!