[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.