OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
You Might Also Like
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”