Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
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There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Y’all ready for this
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
me linking you to my twitter
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
*limbos away from your hug*
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*