me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Great Canadian literature.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Watermelon Boss!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”